


The One Who was Left Behind

by spacegirlstuff



Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Dialogue, Canonical Character Death, Coda, Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Season/Series 15, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Suicidal Dean Winchester, post episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27450283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacegirlstuff/pseuds/spacegirlstuff
Summary: All he wanted was to die. Because that was the easier way out, and Dean was too weak to go through this all over again. He buried his head in his hands, curling his body, hoping that he would fall asleep and never wake up.But death was like a gift, and no matter how much he craved for it, he knew it would never come.He wantedCasback.He wantedhis best friendback.He wantedhis angelback.He wantedhis loverback.That was what he truly wanted.Because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003515
Comments: 8
Kudos: 87





	The One Who was Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Part two of _'I stayed up all night writing this because I'm still not over the episode!'_  
>  I am sorry!!!!! I cant help it. My brain just cant stop thinking about it and its forcing me to write it and well....  
> Save me....  
> You can read my last coda fic [The Truth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27432304) which takes place before this one. But, you can also read this as a stand alone fic.  
>  **Warning: This fic contains depressed as well as suicidal thoughts so please stop right here if you find those triggering!**

Dean looked down, his phone vibrating in his hands for the seventh time in the last hour. 

_Sam_ , it read.

More than a dozen messages already received, each sounding more worried than the last one. Dean knew that he should pick it up, even just to inform his brother he was alive.

But was he really? 

He probably wasn’t. Yes, he was breathing, his heart was beating in his chest, but he was not really alive. He had died the second the empty took his best friend away while he just sat there on the ground, helpless, unable to do anything other than watch. 

_Dean had died with his angel._

He didn’t have the energy to pick up the call, he didn’t have the energy to talk, he didn’t have the energy to lie. 

All he wanted was to stop breathing. Because every breath hurt. Each time he inhaled, he could feel the broken pieces of his heart impaling his lungs, stabbing him from the inside, killing him slowly. 

All he wanted was to stop thinking. Because every thought inside his brain screamed at him, calling him broken, calling him unworthy, calling him a coward. His thoughts kept reminding him of how he had failed. His thoughts kept revolving around everything the angel had said, everything the angel had revealed, everything the angel ever did. His thoughts were going in circles until the only thing he could see was the face of the angel, tears streaming down his face, his blue eyes filled with adoration that the hunter didn’t deserve.

All he wanted to do was stop feeling. Because it was too much for him to handle, too much for him to experience, too much for him to endure. The emptiness in his chest was overwhelming and he couldn’t bear it anymore. The agony that flowed through his veins was ripping him apart, tearing through his skin like shards of glass.

All he wanted was to die. Because that was the easier way out, and Dean was too weak to go through this all over again. 

He buried his head in his hands, curling his body, hoping that he would fall asleep and never wake up.

_But death was like a gift, and no matter how much he craved for it, he knew it would never come._

Dean Winchester had been in hell for forty years, tortured for thirty of them. But not even the deepest cuts that Alistair had inflicted on him hurt as much as it did now. 

When he was in hell, he at least knew where he was, but now, he just felt lost. 

He was lost, and he knew that he would never find his way back home. Because he didn’t have a home anymore. His home was gone, snatched from him right in front of his eyes, and there was nothing that he could do about it.

Dean gripped the sleeves of his jacket in his hand, digging his fingers until he was sure they would leave bruises on his arms. It hurt, but it was not enough. He wanted it to sting, to bleed, to scar.

He wanted to feel the warm blood as it rushed out of his body, leaving a trail on the floor, numbing everything else that he was feeling.

But most of all, he wanted Cas back. 

He wanted _his best friend_ back. 

He wanted _his angel_ back. 

He wanted _his lover_ back. 

That was what he truly wanted. 

_Because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have._

Castiels’ words echoing in his mind all over, repeating like a record, again and again, no matter how many times he tried to push it back. 

“No!” the hunter screamed, his hand covering his ears, trying to block away the angels’ voice.

 _Happiness, it isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it_.

“Please stop,” Dean sobbed.

_Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad you have done for love._

“Not again!” he pleaded, shutting his eyes tightly, tears starting to stream down his face once more.

_You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know._

“Don’t do this,” his hand moved to his hair, fingers pulling the short strands till it hurt. 

_Ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me._

“Please, I’m begging you.” he cried out loud, shoulders shaking violently with each sob that wrenched through him.

_Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you._

“Stop!” he shouted, voice echoing throughout the bunker. He knew what was coming next, and he was not ready for it. He did not want to hear those words because it felt like a million icy daggers piercing through his skin, digging through his flesh, embedding itself in his bones. He did not want to hear those words because he was not worthy. He was undeserving of the angels’ love, his loyalty, his devotion. 

He was nothing but a pathetic person who could not even express his emotions properly when it mattered the most.

He had suppressed his feelings for as long as he could remember, buried them so deep inside that he was unable to access them himself when the time came.

 _I love you._ Cas had said.

 _But I hate myself._ Dean thought bitterly.

Dean hated himself because he had never realized the angels’ feelings, hated himself because of all the time they had wasted, hated himself because of all the chances he didn’t take.

But most of all, Dean hated himself because he couldn’t say anything and now Cas would never know. 

Cas would never know how Dean already belonged to him, had belonged to him for as long as the hunter could remember, even before the hunter figured it out himself. The angel would never know how happy he made the hunter. The angel would never know how even when everything was falling apart, a peek at him, and the hunter would feel better, would feel hopeful, would feel calm. The angel would never know how much he had impacted the hunters’ life, influenced’ the hunters’ choices, changed the hunters’ soul. The angel would never know how much he meant to the hunter. The angel would never know how the hunter would give up the whole world for him if it meant that he was safe. The angel would never know how much the hunter cared about him, cherished him, adored him.

“ _I love you, Cas._ ” Dean said, but the angel would never know.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So... that happened.  
> My mind is still fluctuating between thinking that it was all a dream, shrieking because it's finally canon and crying because cas is.....  
> Right.... anyways!  
> Thank you for all the love you showed on my last fic [The Truth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27432304). If you havent read it then go and check it out!!  
> You can find me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spacegirlstuff) screaming and sobbing and just going crazy in general so you all are invited to come and join me.  
> More codas for the same episode coming up soon so just hang in there until then!!!  
> Love you!
> 
> The continuation of this coda is [When It All Crashes Down](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27472678) so make sure to check it out too!!!


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